“”
“After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say ‘I want to see the manager.’”
William S. Burroughs
“”
“We are alone, absolutely alone on this chance planet: and, amid all the forms of life that surround us, not one, excepting the dog, has made an alliance with us.”
Maurice Maeterlinck
“”
“Indeed, inventing reassuring bullshit may be humankind’s keenest survival skill. And now that we are our own greatest predator, it will probably kill us all.”
“”
“The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists in the circulation of their blood.”
Logan Pearsall Smith
“”
“It’s not that I need coffee to wake up, you understand, but sometimes it’s really nice to start the morning knowing that you will be able to successfully go through the day without killing someone.”
“”
“I’ve always found paranoia to be a perfectly defensible position.”
Pat Conroy
“”
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
Carl Sagan
“”
“You fix this thing, you’re the next greatest generation, people ... And even if you don’t, you’re not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don’t give the thumbs up, you’ve outdid us.”
“”
“The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents.”
Nathaniel Borenstein
“”
“There’s a fine line between participation and mockery.”
Scott Adams
“”
“China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.”
A. Whitney Brown
“”
“Lord. Have. Mercy. Miss Savannah shot up her boyfriend for seeing another woman. I’m telling you. Don’t mess with southern girls.”
Kelley, Southern Girl
“”
“A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.”
“”
“Relationships based on constant arguments are either meant to be marriages or sitcoms.”
“”
“Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she’s losing. Well I say, hard cheese.”
Montgomery Burns
“”
“Basic research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.”
Wernher von Braun
“”
“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.”
“”
“Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.”
“”
“I fantasize about showing up at the office of one particular client wearing my PJs and dragging a sleeping bag behind me. ‘Who the hell are you? You can’t smoke in this office.’ ‘I was your designer, but now I’m homeless due to non-payment of my invoice of August 2001, so I’m moving in. Dear me, we’ll have to do something about those fluorescent lights.’ ”
“”
“It’s hard to be a misanthrope and be in customer service at the same time.”
“”
“In summary, don’t let your ego take up more bandwidth than your site.”
“”
“Reality is something you rise above.”
Liza Minnelli
“”
“It’s all a complete farce, you understand, we’re born into a losing struggle. In the meantime, I think, I must show some contempt and defiance and the best means of doing that that I know are irony and obscenity ... Which is why it was a mistake for that man to ask me about those slut Dixie Chicks.”
“”
“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’. Need I say more?”
Chris Rock
“”
“Book burners are neither Nazis, nor Communists, nor religious nuts. They’re just people who have moved one too many times.”
“”
“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.”
George Bernard Shaw
“”
“One man’s folly is another man’s wife.”
Helen Rowland
“”
“Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.”
Kin Hubbard
“”
“Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it’s dead and we’re gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family...”
Berke Breathed, Bloom County Babylon
“”
“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”
George Carlin
“”
“Life is like a monkey. Sometimes it slings its shit at you.”
Susan Stott
“”
“It’s hard to say whether I’m just clumsy or a left-handed girl living in a right-handed world.”
“”
“Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.”
George Burns
“”
“Remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”
Samuel Johnson
“”
“The music at a wedding procession always reminds me of the music of soldiers going into battle.”
Heinrich Heine
“”
“Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.”
Blore’s Razor
“”
“The world is my lobster.”
Henry J. Tillman
“”
“I like knowing where my stuff is at all times. I don’t like the idea of dropping one of the twins out the window. And I don’t want my little soldier peeking out of the foxhole. Nope, the world out there is not safe, better to keep all my equipment in my rucksack.”
Jimformation,
on boxers vs. briefs
“”
“If the Jews control the media, why don’t we give ourselves better press?”
“”
“You disturb me to the point of insanity. There. I am insane now.”
Dieter
“”
“At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid.”
Friedrich Nietzsche
“”
“Beauty is only skin deep, and the world is full of thin skinned people.”
Richard Armour
“”
“Your mind can be changed, your heart can be swayed, but your penis is very stubborn.”
Jon Stewart
“”
“Ah women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.”
Friedrich Nietzsche
“”
“The great question - which I have not been able to answer - is, ‘What does a woman want?’ “
Sigmund Freud
“”
“If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?”
George Carlin
“”
“People who say that money can’t buy happiness are just no good at shopping.”
“”
“Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.”
Carl Jung
“”
“The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.”
Woody Allen
“”
“The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn’t have that rule when Jesus was born.”
Elayne Boosler
“”
“Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.”
Franklin P. Jones
“”
“I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.”
James Thurber
“”
“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”
Lily Tomlin
“”
“The Doctor is not feelin’ too good today. The Doctor was a bad boy last night. The Doctor overmedicated.”
Dr. Johnny Fever
“”
“If you can’t say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.”
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
“”
“I’ve coughed up scarier stuff than that!”
Grandpa Simpson
“”
“God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.”
Robin Williams
“”
“You know, if it wasn’t for my sense of humor, I would swear I was losing my mind.”
Les Nessman
“”
“When I die I want my body dumped whole into the Thames, so it can float peacefully downstream, scaring the living daylights out of countless people.’
“”
“I’m filled with piss n’ vinegar! ... at first I was just filled with vinegar.”
Grandpa Simpson
“”
“I have a most peaceable disposition. My desires are for a modest hut, a thatched roof, but a good bed, good food, very fresh milk and butter, flowers in front of my window and a few pretty trees by my door. And should the good Lord wish to make me really happy, he will allow me the pleasure of seeing about six or seven of my enemies hanged upon those trees.”
Heinrich Heine
“”
“It’s a, I say it’s a joke son. Don’t cha get it? You’re built too short, the good ones go over yer head. Ya got a hole in yer glove, boy, I keep pitching them and you keep missing them. Ya gotta keep yer eye on the ball, son. Eye. Ball. Eyeball. I almost had a funny there. Joke, that is.”
Foghorn Leghorn
“”
“All the world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.”
Sean O’Casey
“”
“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.”
George Bernard Shaw
“”
“My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.”
Jean Rostand
“”
“I prefer rogues to imbeciles, because they sometimes take a rest.”
Alexandre Dumas
“”
“God is in my head, but the devil is in my pants.”
Jonathan Winters
“”
“If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.”
Bobcat Goldthwait
“”
“What evil times are these, when passing ruffians can say ‘Nee’ at will to old women. There is a pestilence in this land. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress.”
Eric the Shrubber, in Monty Python’s “Search for the Holy Grail”
“”
“It was a whirling dervish of egocentric obnoxion.”
Robert Reich


Categories:
Monthly Archives:
Syndicate this site (XML)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64