QuoteLog

“We wish the New York Time’s Elisabeth Bumiller was running for president, just so that we could vote against her. She just turned in what may be the worst debate performance since Nixon sweated through his makeup. It’s the journalism equivalent of the Dean Scream, and if there was any justice in the blogosphere, someone would Photoshop a picture to show her strangling a kitten. Or, at the very least, hounding a kitten to death with idiotic questions and arrogant assumptions.”

“Of course, the humans in Haiti have hope. They hope to leave.”

“It’s gratifying to note that, despite essentially everything you see on TV, hear on the radio, or read in the newspaper or on the internet, there actually is a war going on, and that the American people have not forgotten the lessons of that fateful day, when everything we know changed forever. No, not the day you saw Janet Jackson’s tit. The other one.”

“Mr. President, there are lunatics overseas trying to kill all 300 million of us. I consider every second you spend fighting to keep people who love each other from proving it to be time in dereliction of your duties as our chief defender.”

“When I was shooting Karl Rove, I said to him, ‘Mr. Rove, I’m just a guy from England trying to make it in America. Can you give me any advice?’ and he said to me, ‘Sonny, if you’re shooting me, you’ve already made it.’”

“If consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds, John F. Kerry’s mind must be freaking enormous.”

“The only reason he’s running is either he’s an egomaniac or as a Bush contract.”

“My own question to Pat Robertson is this: The election looks as though it could be close, certainly not a blowout. If George W. Bush loses the election to a Democrat, will you become an atheist?”

“We should feel humiliated that some of our intellectuals, supposedly the representatives of our nations’ consciences and the defenders of their liberty and dignity, not only dealt with Saddam, but also supported him ... The Arabs should have been the ones to bring down Saddam, in defense of their own dignity and their own true interests.”

“The left doesn’t see because George W. Bush is an unusually repulsive politician, except to his own followers, and people are blinded by the revulsion they feel. And, in their blindness, they cannot identify the main contours of reality right now. They peer at Iraq and see the smirking face of George W. Bush. They even feel a kind of schadenfreude or satisfaction at his errors and failures. This is a modern, television-age example of what used to be called ‘false consciousness.’”

“But check your own pants. They are from China. All pants are from China now, aren’t they?”

“Maybe there are ‘two Americas,’ as the North Carolina senator says -- one with pundits and their predictions, and one with actual voters.”

“The Kerry spin is that he did better among committed Democrats, and Edwards did better among Independents and Republicans. Er, okay -- but which votes will a Democrat need to pick up in order to win in November?”

“The voters of Wisconsin have sent a message: Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.”

“I didn’t really mean for this to be my life’s work, but I’m rapidly becoming a one-woman ambassador to both political liberals and religious conservatives to convince them that not all people of faith want the Ten Commandments in every public building in America and not every Democrat is a religion-hating heathen. It’s definitely slow going.”

“Roy Barnes was a lawyer before he was a politician. Sonny was a veterinarian. He’s a guy who’s had his whole arm inside a cow at some point. It’s hard to take yourself too seriously after that.”

“I really don’t deal with the Web. There isn’t enough time in the day to go into virtual reality.”

“They call it the death watch. She’s taking those pictures to see if I’m going to have a heart attack while I’m talking to you. It’s nothing that I’m saying that’s particularly interesting. She’s heard it all a dozen times. She just wants to see if I go, ohhhh, ahhhh ... Then she’ll have something,”

“Punditry is a dangerous game. But according to the exit polls, that’s exactly the game Democratic voters have played in nominating Kerry. And if they’re as shaky at it as we are, the price isn’t just embarrassment. It’s defeat.”

“He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.”

“I don’t always know what I’m talking about, but I know I’m right.”

“This Kerry avalanche strikes me as pretty bad news for the Democrats. Competition creates interest; interested attention on Democrats creates pressure on Bush, and Kerry is about as inspiring as a bag of kelp.”

“You can actually say Al Gore’s lost his home state twice now, because Dean had absolutely no support in Tennessee.”

“We can pack up and leave and look for another land, just like what has happened in so many lands of jihad. Our enemy is growing stronger day after day, and its intelligence information increases. By God, this is suffocation!”

“If you want the antidote to all the creeps in that Super Bowl show, spend a day at Centcom. I promise you, you will walk away with one overriding feeling: We do not deserve these people. They are so much better than the country and the administration they are fighting for. We owe them so much more respect, so much more sacrifice of our own and so much better leadership from a Bush team whose real sin is not hyping Saddam’s threat, but sending Americans to remove him without a plan for the morning after.”

“Someone has to change his mind. Someone has to say, now and then, My heavens, I voted for the wrong man; I am sorry that I did. The team player cannot change his mind, because his mind is the collective mind of the team, and he obeys it. He obeys it the way a good football player obeys his coach -- because this is what he must do in order to be a member in good standing of his team. You cannot remain on the team, and cheer for your team’s opponents. That is why God, in carefully weighing out the proper amount of conservatives and the proportionate amount of liberals, also factored in a not insignificant dose of independents.”

“Dean’s campaign didn’t just fail, it dissolved on contact with reality.”

“Howard Dean appears to have spent approximately $207 for each vote he’s received to date.”

“Tuesday night, the TV interviewers practically begged Edwards to attack Kerry. On CNN, Bob Dole coached him to go after Kerry’s record. It was all Dole could do to refrain from shouting, ‘Damn it, don’t you have a dark side?’”

“Edwards says he’s the only one who can win states in the South. He can’t win his own state.”

“Take your fake astronauts walking on fake moons. Take your Kid Rocks wearing American flag ponchos. Take your marching bands. Nothing makes us love our country more than the sight of somebody’s booby. This is why the terrorists hate us.”

“The league let MTV produce the halftime show, and MTV is an empire founded on wardrobe malfunctions. The NFL sidled up to the edge of decorum, somehow forgetting that the biggest-watched television show of every calendar year isn’t niche programming. You can’t be edgy and mainstream at the same time. You can’t accept millions of dollars in advertising from companies peddling drugs to combat erectile dysfunction and then suddenly decide that, because of one wardrobe malfunction, you have standards after all.”

“There’s a fine line between participation and mockery.”

“Maybe someday we’ll live in a perfect libertarian world, where we drop tokens in the meter to walk on the privatized sidewalks to sell legal heroin to a tax-exempt hooker. But I’m not holding my breath.”

“We continue to strike at America and we expect that our next blow will cause the collapse of the situation (in Saudi Arabia) due to vengeful response, the first result of which will be the direct occupation of the oil sources and America’s entrance (into Saudi Arabia) with the aim of changing the situation from its foundations.”

“Though your qualifications are quite impressive, I regret to inform you that we have selected another candidate. It was felt that your demeanor and therefore presence in the classroom would serve as an unrealistic expectation as to what high school students could strive to achieve or become.”