The Daily Whim

The Daily Whim

Wed. Feb 07, 2007

Scarey AstroLove or Scared Straight?

Susan came home yesterday after a busy day at work, and asked me what was going on in the world. I told her I was having a hard time deciding which story was more entertaining: the Diapered AstroNut or the Sexually Healed Preacher.

I’m still not sure. But I’m thankful for days that bring such choices.

First, the Diapered AstroNut. I hesitate to call her that, but it seems accurate from what is known at this point. It’s the dichotomy here that is so jarring to me. All other things being equal, the average person has a better chance of being a highly paid professional sports player, or a rock star, than an astronaut. This woman went through an extreme selection process, intense training, and performed ably. One would think such a person could be described as beyond competent.

But then this same person somehow came up with an entirely boneheaded plan. I’m not talking about simply the idea of kidnapping her target. Sure, boneheaded decision. I’m talking about her apparent plan for doing so, and of course, her execution of that plan. Wow. Married, with three kids. Kids she apparently left for a diapered dash from Houston to Orlando.

That’s a scarey love. Or something. And I bet Daddy’s not happy tonight. “No, that’s not a new spacesuit Mommy is wearing on TV. I’ll let her explain it to you. Someday.”

And speaking of “explaining some day,” Ted Haggard now says he is “completely heterosexual.” As opposed to the partially heterosexual state he was in before “three weeks of counseling at an undisclosed Arizona treatment center,“ um, “healed” him.

Rev. Tim Ralph: “He is completely heterosexual. That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing [...] If we’re going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly. We’re into this thing over 90 days, and it hasn’t happened.

In that case, I am completely celibate. Except for those times I have sex with my wife. Which isn’t a “constant thing” (we both have to work, sheesh!). It’s just “acting out.” And if anyone else was going to come forward and have sex with me, they would have done so long before now (and, with my luck, would have shown up in urine soaked diapers).

So I must be completely celibate. Does someone need to slap my forehead and shout “healed”?

However I’ll give the wife the final word (as usual) on Mr. Haggard’s “discovery”: “I think he was scared straight.

Me, too. Except I think I’m scared stiff.

Peanut Gallery

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