Wed. Feb 16, 2005
Explanations and Excuses
My friends, I have sinned against you. In the bloggy sin sense, at least. And I’m not sure bloggy sin is yet recognized at the Pearly Gates (or whatever portal you seek). Nonetheless, it vexes me.
It’s been quite a week, he said though it was barely Wednesday. On Monday, there was a test. Not the fun kind, taken with a No. 2 pencil. Let’s just say that on Valentine’s Day when most were getting something special, some were just … getting it. But it was all good in the end. So to speak. You really don’t need to know any more than that. However, for the record, I have to note there is a proctologist in Atlanta named Dr. Sunshine, and if you can’t Build Your Own Joke out of that, please attend Remedial Humor.
Then there are my blessed clients. They have bestowed me with much work. Very much work. All involving typing, and multiple browsers, and cussing, and refreshing, and furrowed brows, and uploading and downloading repeatedly, and well, it makes Reid a Dull Blogger. Because I’ve barely had time to check the news, much less react to it in any coherent way (“&^%$! idiots” is a little brief and common).
Besides, I put up over 3000 words over the weekend, and figured it might take you a while to work through it. Ahem. But did you? No. Because it might be painful. It might remind you of things you read everyday. I understand. I knew that when I posted it. But I don’t have time to be your monkey right now. Well, other than the pre-fab proctologist joke. Who else offers you that, eh?
While I’ll try to do penance for my bloggy sins, I’m also facing a potentially debilitating occupational hazard. It’s not well known, because Macromedia does a good job of keeping a lid on it, but authoring Flash movies actually kills brain cells. Over time, it will lower your IQ. You’ll notice people will have a good run of two years or so of hard-core Flash work, and then disappear from public view. That’s because they no longer have the mental capacity to endorse the checks for the Flash movies they’re making. They’ve gone totally autistic and become Flash savants. They now live in The Matrix, or rather, The Timeline. You can see the first signs of this at many intown coffee shops, when the Flash author looks up from his laptop, and attempts to place a keyframe on his coffee cup, convert it to a symbol, and tween it to his lips (with an “ease out” setting of 90% to avoid spilling it on his chin).
It’s a lucrative fate, but one I hope to avoid. And now you see why I haven’t written much lately. I’m about two steps shy of that guy in the coffee shop…
Published 11:07AM, Wed, Feb 16 2005
Category: My Life
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Peanut Gallery
That sounds horrible.
You could probably sue the guys who invented Flash. Give me a call.
I smell class-action!
You’re making excuses over a 4 day hiatus? What should I be doing to explain away 4 months?
Flash looked scary to me from the beginning. When I looked into the valley of that first trial copy I saw “I would become acquainted with a flabby, pretending, weak-eyed devil of a rapacious and pitiless folly.” (is Conrad appropriate in a discussion of Flash?) Since that first look, I’ve settled into inhaling solder fumes and whatever offal generates from asbestos heat pads. At least it’s a brain damage that doesn’t drive you mad. The few times when I needed a spot o’ Flash, I saw that there were any number of sites where you could purchase small quantities without anyone noticing.
And as day follows night, most of those sites are still there, but they don’t really work anymore. It’s like their creator took an unexpectedly long vacation, an unexplainable absense. I can picture the poor fools now, staring into space covered with week old coffee stains and trying to mumble.
“You’re making excuses over a 4 day hiatus?”
Well, it’s now the only posting in the past eight days (and it took me more than two days to respond to your comment). I look at my stats, wonder why all these people keeping coming back to look at the same thing, and feel guilty.
Then I go kill some more brain cells. It’s a vicious circle. If this had kept up, it’s possible this blog could eventually collapse in itself like a black hole. But there appears to be a light at the end of the tunnel, with the imminent launch of one of these projects Sunday night. So within 24 hours, I’ll either be feeling some relief, or simply drooling profusely in a fetal position in the corner.
“What should I be doing to explain away 4 months?”
A lot more than you are. Penance postings. Maybe it’s a meme!
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I don’t know about you, but I’ve grown to love those interregnums where news doesn’t penetrate.
But, yeah—lay off the Flash.