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Tue. Sep 21, 2004

Laughing, Not Crying

I’ve been reading the work of P.J. O’Rourke for nearly 20 years, as he consistently displays the best sense of humor of any conservative/libertarian I’ve ever read. And the Telegraph is running a nice lengthy excerpt from his forthcoming book, Peace Kills: America’s Fun New Imperialism.

Americans would like to ignore foreign policy. Our previous attempts at isolationism were successful. Unfortunately, they were successful for Hitler’s Germany and Tojo’s Japan. Evil is an outreach programme. A solitary bad person sitting alone, harbouring genocidal thoughts, and wishing he ruled the world is not a problem unless he lives next to us in the trailer park.

In the big geopolitical trailer park that is the world today, he does. America has to act. But, when America acts, other nations accuse us of being “hegemonistic,” of engaging in “unilateralism,” of behaving as if we’re the only nation on earth that counts.

We are. Russia used to be a superpower but resigned “to spend more time with the family.” China is supposed to be mighty, but the Chinese leadership quakes when a couple of hundred Falun Gong members do tai chi for Jesus.

The European Union looks impressive on paper, with a greater population and a larger economy than America’s. But the military spending of Britain, France, Germany, and Italy combined does not equal one third of the US defence budget.

When other countries demand a role in the exercise of global power, America can ask another fundamental American question: “You and what army?”

This will not foster international co-operation. But if we do foster international co-operation, we won’t be able to protect Americans at home and abroad, because there has been a lot of international co-operation in killing Americans.

Attacking internationals won’t promote world peace, which we can’t have anyway if we’re going to eliminate human rights abuses, because there’s no peaceful way to get rid of the governments that abuse the rights of people – people who are chained to American gym-shoe-making machinery, dying of gym-shoe lung, and getting paid in shoe-laces, thereby improving US business and trade opportunities, which result in economic expansion that causes global warming to get worse.

P.J. O’Rourke “Why Americans hate foreign policy”

And in a world where people seriously think the “Centrists’ whole game is backstabbing Democrats in order to make special deals with the ruling party. It’s an ingrained habit” ... it’s good to find some partisans who’ve retained a shred of their humor.

I’ve fallen off the Undecided Wagon, but I still found this opinion piece by Larry David giggle-worthy. Especially if you hear the right voice when you read it; Larry David was the model for the TV character from Seinfeld, George Costanza. Really. Listen, and you can hear it:

I’d like to address this to the Undecideds: I’m on to you. You may be fooling everyone else with your little “undecided” act, but you’re not fooling me. You know perfectly well whom you’re voting for. The only reason you say you’re undecided is that it’s a cheap ploy to get attention. How do I know? Because I’m the most indecisive person in the world. I set the template, baby, and you’re not passing the smell test.

Oh, I’ve observed you in action. I’ve sat next to you at dinner parties and watched while everyone talked themselves silly, trying to get you on board. But you wouldn’t budge, would you? You almost seemed to take some pleasure from it, just like my 8-year-old when she makes me beg her to take her medicine, you rascals.

The truth is, Undecideds, you’re getting on our nerves. We Decideds hate all the attention you’re getting and that you’re jerking us around. Anyone who can’t make up his or her mind at this point in the campaign should forget about the election entirely, buy a pint of ice cream and get into bed.

Larry David: “Are You Undecided? Or Not?”

Now that’s some punishment I can get behind: “make up your mind, or we’ll give you enough ice cream to make you sick and make you lie in bed and do nothing.”

Oh, please! Have Mercy! And make mine Neapolitan; strawberry, chocolate, and vanilla. Because I never can decide…