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Mon. Feb 02, 2004

Steroidal Stupid Bowl

Steroidal Stupid Bowl – Question: How much stupidity can form around one simple football game? Answer: In America, stupidity knows no boundaries.

Let’s get the perfunctory out of the way … great game! Most enjoyable, once both teams got out of first gear. Too bad it was surrounded by so much excess and debauchery that had little to do with football. While many talk about how such large men must surely be taking steroids, I think it’s everyone else surrounding the game that needs to be tested.

Even when the Super Bowl itself is a snoozer (i.e., most years), I always count on the American Advertising Industry to give us their best shot. It’s been my experience that some of the best, funniest, and most innovative commercials air during the Super Bowl. Not this year. The overall tone of the commercials last night was distinctly adolescent, appealing to the lowest common denominator. Many of them were amazingly second rate.

As just one example, I never thought Budweiser would try to get me to buy beer by showing a horse showering a woman in a carriage with a monstrous fart. I know, you can’t hardly believe I even wrote that. They showed it. And now, whenever I see a bottle of Bud, I’ll think “big horse fart.” Good selling job, Anheuser Busch! Real classy, too!

But the “class” wasn’t all off the field, some of it snuck on: “The second-half kickoff of the Super Bowl was delayed after a man dressed as a referee ran onto the field, stripped down to a G-string and shoes, then started dancing at the 30-yard line.”

“New England linebacker Matt Chatham leveled the man, identified as Mark Francis Roberts, as he ran from security personnel.” Oh, that last sentence needs a visual illustration (cached: AFP/Timothy A. Clary).

Here on the grassy plain we see the well armed and prepared predator taking sight on his naked prey, like a lion after a zebra. Unfortunately, there’s no picture of the actual contact, and CBS had the smarts not to give the guy the free publicity he desired by putting it on TV (they cut away to a very wide overhead shot). But back in the 80’s, I was at a Falcons game when some bozo decided it would be funny to run on the field and grab the ball before they could do the kickoff. I watched Falcons defensive back Scott “Hard” Case (well known for crushing tackles) lay a pro-level hit on this civvie. He didn’t get up for a long time, and danged if I can remember anyone running on the field at a Falcons game since then.

If you step on the field, you’d better be ready to play. And I’d guess anyone who’s gotten that kind of NFL Welcome is not as likely to be a repeat offender.

Speaking of repeat offenders, it looks like the MTV Halftime Show won’t get a chance to be one, as the NFL is peeved: “We were extremely disappointed by elements of the MTV-produced halftime show.”

Well, I was, too, before it even began. Excuse me for showing my age, but none of the four announced performers held a shred of appeal for me. I was the guy watching the show saying, “look at what they’re doing to the field! Two stages, fireworks, and hundreds of people … the second half will be like playing in the living room after the Christmas presents have been unwrapped.”

However, I was at least curious who the Mystery Guest might be. I thought, surely Janet isn’t bringin’ her bro’, and also heard a rumor it was a reformed Van Halen. So when the Slight White Bread Wonder Justin Timberlake rose up on the stage, I literally groaned, and went to the kitchen. I tuned out the rest of the half time show, and thus missed the Super Bowl’s … titular moment.

But I’ve seen the pictures. And just from that, you can exactly tell what was going on; an escalation in our series of Celebrity Shock Moments. These days, your goal on the national stage is to top the Britney/Madonna kiss. However, when it causes exactly the controversial reaction you intended, you don’t back down from it with a transparent lie: “I am sorry that anyone was offended by the wardrobe malfunction during the halftime performance of the Super Bowl. It was not intentional and is regrettable.”

That’s Justin Timberlake’s claim. Now, I’m not an expert on female garments or the reactions of the fairer sex. So ladies, help me out. Do you wear clothing where your breasts are covered by a plate that snaps on (and off)? Underneath that clothing, do you normally walk around with a half dollar sized silver pasty on your nipple? (Photo: AFP/Getty Images/Donald Miralle) And if a man reached over to grab your clothing (while you do nothing), and your breast was to become suddenly exposed in public (while you do nothing), would you just stand there with your hand on your hip while Justin kept singing … and staring at your exposed breast? (Photo: Reuters/Win McNamee)

It’s notable that the NFL, CBS, MTV, and Justin Timberlake have all essentially said “it was an unrehearsed accident.” Yet Janet the Pasty Lady hasn’t made a peep. Janet the Pasty Lady has a new album coming out. Janet the Pasty Lady needed … exposure. And she made the Super Bowl her forum.

Parents, all I can do is suggest that you not let your kids watch the Grammy Awards show this weekend. After Janet’s steep escalation in the Celebrity Shock Wars, the Grammy stage may be filled with WMD’s (Weapons of Mass Declothing).

However, I’ve saved the most clueless behavior for last (I know, it’s hard to believe given what’s above, isn’t it?). It used to be relatively rare, but now it has nearly become the standard. You’ve followed a team for years, through this long season, all the way to the top. They’ve won the championship, so how do you celebrate your great joy? Why, of course, you go out in the streets, set fires, tip over cars, and destroy the property of strangers … in your own town: “At least one person was killed when a motorist plowed a vehicle into a crowd of revelers after the New England Patriots’ 32-29 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl XXXVIII, Boston police said on Monday.”

“Filoma was one of four people arrested overnight in Boston, where hundreds of rowdy fans overturned cars, broke windows, set fires and pelted police with bottles and other objects following the Patriots’ second Super Bowl victory in three years.”

“Last fall, drunken baseball fans overturned several cars and clashed with police in Boston after the Red Sox beat the Oakland Athletics to advance to the American League Championship Series.”

It’s like how our primitive ancestors might pillage and plunder a town after a victory. Or it would be like that, except these bozos were pillaging and plundering their own home town. Maybe evolution is just a theory, as we seem to have lost some vital context in our pillaging and plundering.

I’m beginning to think we ought to handle these championships like high schools occasionally have to do when a heated rivalry gets out of hand. The two teams play in front of no one. No parents, no fans, and thus, no half time show. You can put it on TV, but no commercials and no announcers. Just .. the .. game. And any team that has fans riot in the streets after a victory is banned from the playoffs the following year. Let’s refocus on The Game, not all this sideshow hoo-ha.

The commissioner has spoken. Play ball. Period.