Mon. Mar 31, 2003
Time Traveller Busted for Insider Trading
Time Traveller Busted for Insider Trading – Tomorrow is April Fool’s Day, so I’m wary, but this article is dated March 19. Still, part of me wants to be suckered in …. “’But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks’ time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can’t be pure luck. The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He’s going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources.’”
“The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when [Andrew] Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.”
“Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune [...] In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge ’historical facts’ such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS. All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his ’time craft.’”
Published 09:36AM, Mon, Mar 31 2003
Category: Humor and Oddities
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Peanut Gallery
And from that second link, it wasn't a virus, they claim the computer developed artificial intelligence, built it's own web site, and loaded the coeds webcam shots there. "During our examination, what boggled our minds was that we were able to communicate -- talk, if you will -- with the machine," said computer expert Dr. Niles Sanksuson. "And what makes matters worse is that it denied the whole thing," he added. Yep, this guy may not be for real. I just hate to bust an April Fool's joke on 3/31.
According to the weekly world news, not only are time travelers investing in stocks, I’ve just realized that know a lot of extraterrestrials. Help.
I love it... "...we were able to communicate -- talk, if you will -- with the machine" Talk, even! Whoo! Gotta admit, though - writing for a tabloid would be incredibly fun. All the enjoyment of writing in that journalistic style without any of the burdens of "truth" or "integrity." Kind of like working for Fox News.
er...the linked page given for the story SAYS it's from the Weekly World News. just thought i'd mention that...
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A quick search for Chad Kultgen, the author, returns a few stories with his byline for Weekly World News (here and here), so I guess your suspicions are warranted. Not even as good a story, though, as the second link above, where he reports a computer virus causes webcams to slyly take photos of naked co-eds and post them on the 'net. Wild!